Share your funniest status updates.  I'll post a few that I've used or seen in the past and try to update every few days or so with more.  Some of these are gross, some are distasteful, some are really stupid, and most of them aren't even true... I just try to get reactions from people.  All status updates posted here are free for you to share with your friends.

Status Updates #1

1. I just saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was a stupid idea, but I couldn’t change the channel because I was under a blanket and didn’t want my arms to get cold…
2. So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. Your move, Jesus.
3. Did you ever notice...you never know where to look when eating a banana?
4. There's just something about Brunch that makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.
5. Dear Pringles, Now that I'm not a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Please work on that.
6. Whoever said revenge is a dish best served cold has never tried it sauteed with carrots and summer squash. Delightful!
7. Now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.
8. I like to think that when I squish an ant, its final thought is, "Good. Being an ant blows."
9. I think that "Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks I've consumed.
10. I just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die". I'm pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn't one of them...
11. Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone, who needs a smack upside the head. People who need a smack upside the head affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a smack upside the head, except a smack upside the head, but... we can ......raise awareness. Many won't copy and paste this. I did. Will you?
12. I've had a really hard day and I don't want to sound like a pussy, but "Meow".
13. I will one day rule Candyland with an iron fist!
14. I think that a city built on rock ‘n roll would be structurally unsound.
15. Isn't it odd the way everyone just automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard just to teach people a valuable lesson in trust.

Status Updates #2 

1. Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.
2. I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies.
3. My friend just told me that he didn't want to hang out with me anymore because he was fed up with my bad habits. I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenail.
4. I just quit my job at the helium factory. I will NOT be spoken to in that tone!
5. On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana it's just the opposite. Yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means "where'd you get that banana"?
6. Dear Red Bull and Vodka, You were supposed to make me sexier, happier, and a better dancer. I've seen the videos... We need to talk.
7. WARNING!!! As of tomorrow, Facebook will creep into your bathroom when you're in the shower, fondle your bum and pinch your nipples. To change this option, go to Privacy Settings > Personal Settings > Bathroom Settings > Bum Fondling & Nipple Pinching Settings and uncheck the Shenanigans box. Facebook kept this one quiet. Please copy and paste on your status.
8. I'm not that impressed that hula dancers can tell a story with their hands. I can tell a story with one finger.
9. Two guys walk into a bar. I was one of them. I don't remember anything else.
10. I think that the person who decided to print nutritional information on ice cream cartons should be arrested and tried for the murder of my happiness.
11. Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
12. I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized that I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started feeling better. As I finished my coffee I noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I remembered I was listening to my iPod.
13. I just bought a new Princess Leia costume. Jury duty, here I come!
14. I see your passive-aggressive sarcasm and I raise you one finger.
15. If you're happy and you know it, share your meds.

 

Status Updates #3

1. I was just accepted at STFU, thanks for asking.
2. I'm not remotely sober. Nor am I sober up close.
3. Dear everybody who always goes to Walmart at the same time I do: I hate you.
4. I think that alcohol only hurts me because it loves me.
5. Irony is people complaining about Facebook's privacy settings when every other update is about their weekly visit to their gynecologist.
6. You thought that drinking all weekend would make us go away but we're still here. Happy Monday! Sincerely, Your Problems.
7. Did I just chase an ice cream truck down the street to buy a cookie ice cream sandwich? Maaayyyyyybe...
8. I'm heading out for a quiet beer. Followed by ten noisy ones.
9. Not only am I NOT drunk, but this tape doesn't taste ANYTHING like Scotch.
10. People assume when I yawn that I've lost interest in what they have to say. But truth be told, I was never interested.
11. You know what this Walmart needs? Spontaneous human combustion.
12. I found out this weekend that when you play a Nickelback album backward you hear messages from Satan. But even worse: If you play it forward.. you hear Nickelback...
13. Ever notice how censored Eminem songs on the radio sound a lot like a conversation between two AT&T customers?
14. I put Gold Bond Powder on my privates and now they look like ET when he was sick. Add a red hoodie and I've just found my Halloween costume.
15. I'm thinking of starting a magazine called "Period". Some months I'll even send it out late... Just to scare some of the subscribers.

Status Updates #4

1. I can't remember what the correct English way to say this is so I need some help. Is it, "I'm well hung" or "I'm hung nicely"? Help me out.
2. I always wondered why they bury people with their glasses on. Wouldn't they look a lot better if they were wearing contacts?
3. I really need to stop using "LOL" at the end of my sentences as a form of punctuation. Every time I re-read my comments I imagine myself as some madman laughing maniacally after everything he says. Know what I mean? lol
4. Seriously phone, stop auto correcting all of my fucks so they say ducks. It makes all of my strongly worded texts sound harmless and adorable...
5. You ever hear someone say, "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." or "I'm in a relationship, but it's complicated."? I like to reply with, "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
6. I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
7. I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup is by eating 15 more.
8. Why don't hitchhikers find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by?
9. Meeting a Facebook friend for drinks. I hope he doesn't bring up that Farmville invite I ignored...
10. Dear Facebook, I will turn on 'Foursquare' right after I decide that being killed by a deranged stalker is the best way to die.
11. Hmm, I was curious what happened to the bottle of Obsession I owned in 8th grade. Turns out the guy next to me broke it over his head.
12. There's something wrong when you're taking a dump and the only term that comes to mind is "Rock Lobster".
13. Whenever someone says, "Act your age!" What I really hear you saying is, "Be sad with me!"
14. Drag racing would be a lot more fun if I didn't have to wear a dress.
15. Dear Bathroom Guy, Although well timed, your fart was still MUCH louder than me turning on the tap. But 10 points for your sneaky synchronizing efforts!

Status Updates #5

1. I'm so tired of these kids running lemonade stands acting like they've never even heard of vodka before.
2. I'm debating on a new career path, but can't decide if I would make a better professional thumb wrestler or butt model.
3. Before Facebook, I never realized so many people had birthdays.
4. I really wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.
5. The fact that I can post to Facebook while on the toilet using my phone means no one is really working on cancer, are they?
6. I was raised to believe that only I can prevent forest fires. Trust me, it's a huge responsibility that no child should be saddled with.
7. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
8. I'm in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
9. I'm wondering what kind of loser spends Wednesday night drinking and bragging about it on Facebook? Anyway, I'm totally drunk.
10. Ok, so this girl on Facebook posted a status that said: "How can I get rid of this morning sickness?" Turns out that replying "Try a coat hanger" is a good way to get yourself unfriended.
11. So do they sleep together at the end of “Lady and the Tramp” or am I just wasting my time?
12. I really wish I had some chloroform. I’d rather listen to this asshole snore.
13. When texting, do Muslims say OMG or OMA?
14. Ice. Bank. Mice. Elf. Say it out loud.
15. Just saw a girl in a plain push wheelchair holding on to her guy’s motorized wheelchair and rolling behind him. Dude, she’s using you!

Status Updates #6

1. Tip for the day: Always keep several get well cards on the mantel. If unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.
2. I saw an Indian asleep on the train today and noticed the little red dot on her forehead. I thought, "Is she on standby?"
3. Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA for "here's a pine tree and some nails."
4. I think they should rename "16 and Pregnant" to “I Was Fucked In High School And All I Got Was A Baby And Humiliated In Front Of The Nation On MTV”.
5. The jerks at Jack in the Box drive through wouldn’t serve us last night even though we said we were on motorcycles that were just too small for them to see and weren’t heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
6. I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests and I don’t want to go out with a weirdo.
7. Son, when I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle.
8. Ignoring things doesn't make them go away, it makes them drunk-dial you.
9. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
10. I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
11. I love how reading dating profiles gives so much insight into a person's past lovers, like "NO CHEATERS" or listing meth as a deal breaker.
12. So much Rosemary. So little Thyme.
13. I think the new Wii Sports game is a bit harsh. Apparently it's based off the Special Olympics and it's called Wii Tards.
14. I don't believe in teaching the Theory of Evolution in schools. I also don't believe in widespread literacy, the refrigeration of food, and I'm quite skeptical about this whole "gravity" thing.
15. Using Axe Body Spray is a way to let blind people know that you are also wearing Ed Hardy.
16. If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
17. I had that Boom Boom Pow, but I left it in my jeans and it went through the wash. Now it's more like a Thump Thump Squeek.
18. Operation Habañero was a delicious success. Now it's time for Operation Don't Accidentally Touch My Eyes Or Genitals.
19. I find that the breakfast burrito is a lot like my last relationship. It's amazing and unbelievable at first, but by the end it just results in shame, tears, and the destruction of a McDonald's restroom.
20. I thought maybe I'd found something more awe-inspiring than the Double Rainbow, but unfortunately no one seems at all enthusiastic about the Triple Skidmark.